Hollywood loves to depict narcissistic bosses: Ari Gold on 'Entourage', Miranda Priestly in 'The Devil Wears Prada', and Anna Wintour playing herself in 'The November Issue'. Steve Jobs was a narcissistic boss.
Here are some characteristics of narcissists, followed by ways to deal with them.
The Narcissistic Boss:
- has a grandiose sense of self-importance
- is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
- believes that he or she is 'special' and unique
- requires excessive admiration
- has a sense of entitlement
- is interpersonally exploitative
- lacks empathy
- is often compensating for low self-esteem
- shows arrogant, haughty behaviors and attitudes
Know anyone like that? Almost everyone has run into a narcissist at some point. One of the questions I get all the time in my workshops is what to do about a Narcissistic Boss. Here are some pointers:
- Manage your emotions - The NB is an expert at both praise and criticism and will attempt to manipulate you by getting you into a highly negative or highly positive emotional state. Don't believe the bad stuff they say about you - but don't believe the good stuff either.
- Increase their sense of security - Because the NB is frequently an insecure person, you need to neutralize real and apparent threats. They will overreact to every problem, no matter how big or small. Don't tell them "That's not a problem", say "I will handle that. Don't worry about it. I've got it under control." Don't try to minimize the issues they raise, even if they are ridiculous. Just assure them you can fix it.
- Set personal boundaries - The NB will try to contact you at all hours because they have a problem that needs to be addressed NOW! Don't let them do this. Turn off your phone. Let messages go to voice mail. Respond to email and text in the morning. Let them know that you will devote most of your time to handling their issues, but you also have a personal life.
- Don't be misled - The NB is an expert manipulator. If they suddenly act like your best friend, you can be sure that they want something. Be suspicious.
- Frame advice and suggestion in terms of their needs - The NB doesn't care if you are overworked. But if you can't fulfill their needs, they might understand. "If I go get your laundry, I won't be able to finish this project". Put it in terms of how their demands will affect what you are trying to do for them, not how it affects you.
- When you've had enough - find another job. Really. You won't change their behavior, so put up with as much as you can, but not a bit more. Working for these people can be rewarding, since they are the seat of power and you'll make great connections, but don't sacrifice your personal goals and integrity to make them happy.
Certain industries like media, entertainment, and finance not only tolerate narcissists, they don't seem to be able to function without them.
This page is just the tip of the iceberg on dealing with narcissistic bosses. Here's what else you can do:
- Assess your styles of conflict resolution and see what other strategies you can use.
- After taking the assessment, go to Handling Conflict to interpret the results.
- Take this quiz to see how well you handle difficult situations now.
- See suggestions for dealing with specific kinds of difficult people and situations.
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